It was over Thanksgiving dinner that my brother told me how much he hated the Twilight movie. Not surprising since we have very different tastes in almost everything.
I am not a patient person. I would have been able to hold out longer if no one I knew spoke about Twilight . But with this intangible barrier broken, it was less than 24 hours before Grandpa had agreed to watch Baby and I was dragging my husband (not unwillingly) to see a Vampire Love Story.
I was SO disappointed. Thanksgiving was a perfect time for this movie to be in theatres. What a TURKEY! A parody of this film would have to be more dramatic than the actual movie. I wanted to walk out, not spoil my memory of the books! But it was just so awful, like a giant wad of wet t.p. flying through a very crowded banquet room, I just couldn’t look away.
If you have read the books and seen the movie you will know what I mean. I crawled online today to see if anyone out there was bracing fans for this enormous lemon and after reading a couple reviews I was determined to write one that would actually address its downfalls.
Most egregious faux paux: The actress currently known as “Bella” cannot act.
I could have guessed at this fact from the first lines of the movie. This is a movie right? Not just a narrative reading of the book with pretty scenes in the background? (Yes, one of its few redeeming qualities, it does have good cinematography; beautiful images of an arid Arizona landscape, and in Washington, fantastic views of the only ‘rain forrest’ in North America).
Best example of BAD acting: Bella lips keep moving as they blip out her words. Her contract must state that she have at least 2 scenes where she actually speak her lines, instead of read them as narration over the action on the screen, and the movie makers just did the best they could with that.
My husband, who has not read the books-yet, had some questions about what was going on in the movie. For those unfortunates who saw the movie instead of reading the book, the following plots were destroyed in the making of this film:
Vampire eyes: The movie does not explain why vampire eyes change color, my husband assumed it was a good guy/bad guy thing because Edward had black eyes when he met Bella. He didn’t know what to make of Laurent after he came to warn the Cullens of James’ plan. Missing Plot: Vampire’s eyes are black when they are hungry and red or gold after they have eaten, depending on what they have eaten.
Our kind are nearly impossible to kill. Then why did it take less than 10 seconds for 3 of the Cullens to take James out? Missing Plot: James was distracted by the scent of Bella’s blood after he bit her, that’s how the Cullen’s got the drop on him.
Maybe Bella can act, after all, she kept a straight face in Edward’s room when she asked “Where’s the bed?” A futon, facing the flatscreen tv and littered with CD’s was taking up half of Edward’s closet-sized room. Missing Plot: The futon is supposed to be a sofa, and the room is supposed to be uncluttered and huge. Upon filming this scene, someone must of realized their mistake. I can hear them saying “Here let’s throw some CD’s on it and maybe no one will notice.” And I can’t wait to see the movie makers fit a real bed in that little room in a future movie.
Ad placement: What’s he driving now? Why was Edward driving a different car in every scene? Was the Auto Industry bled dry for logo placement (remember I, Robot)? Is that why they need bail-out money now? Missing Plot: Vampires like fast cars, and each of them has at least one that they loan to Edward throughout the book, I mean movie.
But speaking of Ad Placement, did Nestle pay to have to open cases, yes plural, of water sitting on Charlie’s counter, or did the caterer drop them there and the props guy forget to move them?
What’s up with Edward’s skin and why does (or doesn’t) it glitter in the sunlight? Missing Plot: Vampire’s are not burned by the sun, but their skin glitters in direct sunlight. That is unless your making a movie with hokey special effects and don’t bother to take the vampires out of direct sun when shooting scenes where their skin does not glitter.
And speaking of hokey special effects: Why does Edward uses his legs as propellers when running through mid-air? I think the effects people were going for a “Dash” feel circa The Incredibles. It ended up feeling very Shaolin Soccer.
So everyone in the cast has re-upped for the next movie. What a pity. The movie makers really should scrap the entire cast (except Jasper and Dr. Cullen) and start over. It worked for the The Incredible Hulk. At the very least, fire Bella, Rosalie, and Emmet. I wouldn’t include Emmet here except that every time they asked him a question in the movie, they didn’t let him answer. If they let Bella have lines, but not Emmet… well it cannot be a good sign. In my ideal cast Bella would be Danielle Panabaker.
So all my ranting begs the question, will I go to the next movie? You betcha. But I don’t think I can face it in theatres. I’d better wait for DVD where I can scream at the TV in peace.